


Look Alive, Sunshine

by ColorfulStabwound



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Albius - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Battery City, Death, Death Eaters, Dystopian Future, Ferret, Harry Potter Next Generation, Killjoys make some noise, Look Alive Sunshine, Loss of Parent(s), Multi, Noxious Monster, POV Scorpius Malfoy, Revenge, Scorbus, Shadowy figures, Songbird - Freeform, Sunshine - Freeform, exterminators, fingers - Freeform, first person POV, killjoys, oooh, post apocalyptic, savior
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 22:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5351444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulStabwound/pseuds/ColorfulStabwound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you take all your favorite Potterverse characters and shove them in a non-magical dystopian future, AU fic?  Guess there's only one way to find out.</p><p>VERY loosely based in the Killjoys universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Danger Days

**Author's Note:**

> One of my first forrays into the world of non-magical Potterverse. I kind of love the Killjoys universe, and after randomly finding a Danger Days Tshirt in a thrift shop, I decided I'd like to write my favorite boys in it. I borrowed my favorite bits and pieces here and there for this story, but not everything. If you aren't familiar with it, no worries, it's not even a requirement to understand what is happening here, just some long winded full disclosure for ya. (;
> 
> As always, endless worship and adoration to my bestie, my muse, my cheerleader, and my BAE(yep, still gonna make this work! xD), Unkissed.<33

 

 

Forward--Sunshine

 

_There are so many different versions of the end that sometimes I think they are all lies. Since I wasn’t around to see it with my own eyes, I have to take the stories that I hear at face value, and even though I will probably never know the real story of how the world ended, I figure I know enough to know that it doesn’t really matter._

_It always starts exactly the same—2019. Nuclear retaliation had become imminent and near-total devastation was unavoidable. It seemed the entire world was sent spinning on a course that could not be avoided, and those who did not perish in the arms of a war that we never wanted were left to pick up the pieces. It became evident pretty early on that this was more than a foreign attack on our world by an unnamed face, and survivors were left with two options. Truth or consequence. Now the world is run by mega-corporations who seem to think that they know what is best for us all. If you took the easy way out and chose truth, you were granted admittance into one of the many, sparkling utopias created to control and contain.  If you chose consequence, you were signing your own death certificate and really, it was only a matter of time before you were exterminated. There is no room in this new world for rebels and fighters. Our truth is that there **is** no truth and there **is** no consequence, there is only life and death. _

_My name is Sunshine; at least it has been for as long as I can remember now. I would like to tell you that I used to have a real name when I was a kid because I think we all did, but like the functioning world of the past, we left them behind. Today is my birthday and Fingers tells me that I’m seventeen now, although honestly, I feel a hell of a lot older than that. I live in a place that we have affectionately labeled ‘the badlands,’ but really, it is more like a wasteland than anything else. After the war, the crumbling remains that surrounded Battery City were sanctioned off into Zones that became the refuge and the home for those who live like I do._

_After the dust had settled and the survivors who chose to surrender were locked away, came the irreversible effects of too many years of climate change; I think Fingers called it ‘global warming.’ The world was thrown into discord and despair. Some days the sun is so hot that it will burn the flesh right off your arms and others, well, let’s just say that nature isn’t exactly so natural anymore. Life in the Zones isn’t easy and it certainly isn’t for everyone, which is why so many chose to sign away their consciousness for a little slice of happiness in a fucked up and crumbling world. Sheep. That is what Fire Cracker calls them, but you can’t blame them for wanting to live, can you? I think everyone is just looking for a reason to exist in this world, and I suppose I can respect that, even if those Sheep want people like me exterminated. This desert wasteland isn’t much, and life will always be our most precious commodity, but we make the best of what we’ve got and we carry on because if we don’t, who will remember any of us? We are the forgotten and the unwanted, the rebels and the fighters—We are Killjoys._

 

 

It’s the shrill caterwaul of a warning siren that wakes me, and I don’t even think about the dull pain between my shoulder blades or how dry my throat is as I scramble out of a pile of blankets and step into my boots. I’ve heard that siren so many times that I don’t need confirmation to know what it means. I am stumbling around my room, quickly collecting my most prized possessions when the door flies open so hard that it shakes on its frame and sends a layer of dust into the air.

 

“Look alive, Sunshine. This isn’t a drill!” Fingers is standing in the doorway looking like he’s had one too many cups of black coffee. “Come on, leave it!” He hisses impatiently as he ushers me out the door, and I barely have time to grab my gun before he’s dragging me out the door and down the hall towards the nearest exit.

 

I’ve experienced this exact scenario so many times that it isn’t even disorientating, and by the time we reach the front door of the dilapidated house we have been living in, we are joined by Ferret, who looks nervous like he always does. “We need to go. Now.” Ferret says as he grabs the arm that Fingers isn’t holding and I don’t even have a second to glance over my shoulder at the house we call a home one more time as they drag me out the front door in a rush of scuffed boots and gritty dust clouds.

 

Fingers and Ferret are my protectors, and I suppose I would even call them my parents in a different world. The way Fingers tells the story is that before the world fell apart, Ferret was supposed to marry my birth mother, but he didn’t want to do it. He was pressured by his parents to go through with it, but then war came and changed the game. Fingers says my mother wasn’t cut out for life in the Zones, and although I’ve asked him countless times before, he never says any more than that. I don’t even know what she looked like, but Ferret tells me that she was the kind of person that could make ugly look beautiful—Whatever that means. Sometimes he tells me that I look like her, but mostly we don’t talk about her at all. When I was eleven, Fingers told me that her name was Astoria and that she was a real pistol. I guess I get my rebellious nature from her; at least that is what Ferret tells me whenever I do something stupid. To be honest I have no idea what I got from my mother and what I got from living in this world, but I will always be thankful to the mysterious woman I can’t remember for giving me my life.

 

The sun is blazing down on us when we step out of the house in a hustle, and my eyes are watering from the dust and brightness. “Death Eaters?” I rasp out as we trudge across the dirt towards a large building that we use for meetings, and when I choke on a mouthful of sand, Fingers hands me a canteen. Death Eaters is what we call the antimatter. They are the masked drones sent out from Battery City on the daily to hunt us down and destroy us. Fire Cracker says they are the perfect soldiers because they don’t have souls, but I don’t know if I believe that. What is a person without a soul aside from any of us, anyways?

 

Neither one of them says anything as we walk, and when we step inside the hall everything is cast in shadows and stars on account of me being sun-blinded. I don’t even have a chance to rub my eyes before a chorus of shouts sound out all around me.  “SURPRISE!” Ah, now I get it.

 

“Arseholes,” I mutter as I uncap the canteen still in my hands and take a long swig that instantly cools my throat.

 

Fingers is laughing at my side and I can’t help but smile because I’m not really mad. “We really had you there.” He says between clips of giggles that make me shake my head because he’s right. They really _did_ get me good.

 

“You didn’t think we’d forget your birthday, did you?” Ferret is on my other side with his hand on my shoulder, and when I look up at him I feel as close to loved as I think I am ever gonna feel in this life and sometimes I think that it is enough.

 

“You didn’t have to.” I tell him quiet enough that no one else can hear, and when I glance over at Fingers he has stopped laughing and takes a step closer. “Happy birthday, Sunshine.” He says as he swallows me in a hug that feels really good. “Let’s have some fun today,” He whispers in my ear and when he lets me go, there are tears clouding his blue eyes.

 

 

Somebody yells “ _Happy birthday_ ” and everyone whoops and hollers. Pop Rocks switches on the old transistor radio and the sound of an electric guitar slices right through the air. I feel like a grinning idiot as countless people press small tokens and gifts into my hands and congratulate me on surviving another year. The whole thing is surreal and so unlike what we call normal living that I have to take a moment to lean against the wall and bring it all in. There is a small group of people swaying and dancing to the static-laden music filtering out of blown out speakers and I can’t help but smile as I watch Fingers try and coax Ferret into dancing. This may not be normal, but it is mine and this is my family.

 

Today is a good day.

 

It is much later into the party when I decide to sneak out. Most of my family and fellow Killjoys have either dispersed or passed out, save a few stragglers still dancing drunkenly around the large bonfire. It isn’t hard to duck out of view and into the shadows, and even Ferret’s watchful gaze doesn’t notice when I disappear into the acrid night. It’s not that I am unhappy with the celebration or anything, but there is really only so much fun a teenager can have when he is surrounded by adults who have tallied three times as much living.

 

The blood moon is clouded over so thick that it is almost impossible to see anything at all in the blackness. When I step over that invisible line that separates Zone S from the rest of the Badlands a small, involuntary shiver races down my spine. I know that I am playing with fire, leaving my Zone after dark, but I have never been very good at following the rules. I keep to the darkest, thickest shadows as I walk through the night, the only sound, my boots kicking up dust and sand with every step.

 

I am only halfway to _The W_ when I hear it—The unmistakable sound of rainfall. “Shit,” I mutter as I glance over my shoulder and squint into the darkness. I know that my chances are about fifty/fifty of being caught out in acid rain and I don’t wait around to see which side my luck falls on. I make a break for Zone W, running like I have Death Eaters on my tail.  I can hear the first drops of sizzling fire hit the ground over my shoulder and I push myself harder, faster, because this isn’t how I want to go out. They sky lights up with electric lightening as I dash through, eyes frantically searching for the nearest shelter. A drop of rain hits the sleeve of my leather jacket and sizzles at it burns a hole clear through to my skin and it hurts so bad that I curse out loud.

 

I know that I am fucked, and I also know that if I manage to make it out of this alive that Ferret and Fingers were going to kick my arse, but I can’t think about that right now. I am just about out of options when I hear a frantic shout through the crack of a partially open cellar door to my left. “Hurry Sunshine, in here!” I don’t have to see a face to know who it is because, as it turns out, I’m not skulking around in the darkness by chance.

 

My knees feel about ready to buckle as I press forward, ignoring the sting of acid drops as they land on my gear and sink into my skin. The door opens a fraction wider and I jump into the darkness so fast I nearly fall down the rotted out stairs. Quickly, I shake off my smoking and sizzling leather jacket as the door slams shut behind me. “Fucking rain.” I grumble as I survey the damage, wincing as my fingertips brush over the small red blisters already rising up on my arms.

 

“What were you thinking?” Says a voice behind me, which instantly makes me smile. “It’s still my birthday, you can’t be mad at me on my birthday.” I say, grinning proudly as I turn around to face him. “You could have been killed.” He says while frowning, and it is a meaningful enough expression to sober the moment.  “I’m not dying today, Songbird,” I say, and then I kiss him before he can object.

 

Kurse Kid, or _Songbird_ , as I have affectionately re-named him, is the one person outside of my family that I would definitely be hard-pressed to live without. I chanced upon him one afternoon a while back when I was exploring the badlands on my own. This was before Ferret had forbid me from venturing out of Zone S on my own. There I was, minding my own business, when I heard it—The soft, unmistakable thrum of a guitar. I immediately abandoned by exploration of the remains of Zone W and followed the sounds, my curiosity threatening to get me into trouble as I crept through the razed out aftermath. The moment I saw him I was in love, or at least I figured that I was. He was standing atop a massive boulder with his head tipped back towards the sky, a neon-green guitar slung low over his shoulder and pressed firm against his front. He was a vision from the stuff dreams are made out of, all dark hair and shiny soul with a singing voice to match. I can’t describe to you how it felt, watching him work his way through that song with the lyrics that spoke to my soul, fingers stroking and caressing his guitar like some type of rock-god. I was transfixed and overwhelmed and at that moment, I knew that I had to have him. When the song ended I stepped out of my hiding spot and introduced myself, and it was never awkward, not even for a minute. Sure, Songbird was embarrassed that I had heard his song and skeptical to trust someone he didn’t know from Zone S, but neither one of us could deny the gravitational pull that always seemed to connect us after that day. Songbird lived with a large group of his biological family down in Zone G, and I was just some gutter snake from the other side of the dividing line, but none of that mattered. Ours was the most dangerous kind of bond in this world and we didn’t care.

 

Now here we were, almost a year later, two kids from two different Zones sharing stolen kisses and a bulletproof heart in the crumbling remains of our very own hideout. “Don’t call me that,” He says into my open mouth, which makes me chuckle breathlessly. “You know you love it,” I say, pressing him up against a dirty brick foundation wall and flattening my body against his. “Maybe,” He says between kisses, and when his fingertips smooth over my blistered skin I don’t even feel the pain because I am consumed by his presence.

 

“You’re so stupid,” He mutters as carefully slides my t-shirt over my head and tosses it aside, surveying the damage to my skin from the acid rain, a deep frown etching his features.

 

I take his chin between my fingertips and lift it just enough that his green eyes meet my own, a soft smile playing on my lips. “I’m fine, better than fine actually.” I murmur quietly, confident that he will understand the rest that is left unsaid between us. When he nods his expression softens and it melts my insides and I feel warmer than I ever have, even on the hottest of days. Before I know what hits me, I am feverish and needy and I think that I could devour every inch of him if he’d let me, but I settle for a white-hot kiss instead.

 

When he lays me down on a thick stack of blankets I hold my breath because I don’t want this to be a dream. I’ve spent my entire life fighting to survive and learning the hard way that you can’t ever _really_ count on anyone but yourself, but somehow when I am with him, he makes me wish for impossible things that I know will never come to be. His mouth presses against my skin and it feels just like liquid fire and consuming desperation. Songbird knows exactly the route to take to make me come all the way undone and he plays me with more expert precision than his beloved guitar.  “Happy birthday, Sunshine.” He says in my ear, and when I drift off to sleep the sound of the rain beating on the cellar door seeps into my dreams like a song.

 

 

Today isn’t just a good day, it’s the best day, and I know I will take it with me when I die.

 

 


	2. The Only Hope For Me Is You

 

 

Forward—Fingers

_I think the most important lesson I’ve learned in this life is that you never really know what to expect. I have spent so many years fighting for what I believe in that it seems to me now that it has always been this way. Of course there was a time when I would have traded everything to wake up from this nightmare, but I think that I have finally made peace with the fact that I cannot wake up because this is my reality._

_I was seven years old when I met Ferret for the first time, and although that day has been lost in a world that is now forgotten, it still feels like only yesterday. People will tell you that destiny and fate are tools that the government uses to mask your eyes to the fact that we are all living in a form of hell, but I don’t think that is necessarily true. I know with unrelenting certainty that the little boy I met all those years ago was my destiny **and** my fate, and no one, especially not the fucked up rulers of this place we call home now, can change that. _

_I suppose our parents had always been friendly with one another, so it was a natural expectation for them to believe that Ferret and me would be friends too. Of course that wasn’t immediately the case, and we spent more of those first couple of years fighting than we did anything else, but somehow we turned that animosity into friendship until we couldn’t live without one another. Ferret’s parents had big plans for him before the world crumbled and we were thrown beneath the burning remains, and although I know that little boy that he used to be well enough to imagine that he wouldn’t have left me behind, I guess I can’t ever really be sure. When the very first bomb fell from the sky I wanted to run, god did I want to fucking run. That is the one truth about myself that still makes me sick to my stomach in the middle of the night. I was scared and unwilling to watch those around me die, and so I set out to leave this place and never stop running. Of course I didn’t do that, or I wouldn’t be here to tell the story that I am now. In the end, it was Ferret who kept me tethered to my homeland, and by the time I found him, I was afraid it was too late._

_We don’t talk about the end much at all really, partly because it hurts too much to remember what once was, and partly because it doesn’t do anyone any good at all to dwell on the past. The city streets were piled with bodies and debris by the time I found him crouched in the corner of a bedroom inside that old manor house that had been in his family for centuries. I remember holding my breath as I stepped across the threshold, terrified that I was too late to save him. He cowered away from me as I knelt down in front of him and reached out with shaking fingers to brush dirty blond hair from his eyes. Back then he was still Draco and I was still Theodore, and I will always remember how scared I was to say his name out loud. When he lifted his head from his arm and looked up at me there were tears in his eyes and dirt smudged across his cheek like war paint. He looked just like that little boy that I had met all those years ago, except now he was broken and I knew that it was up to me to put him back together again._

_We holed up in Malfoy Manor for two weeks waiting for the fires to stop and the world to right itself again, and when that didn’t happen we decided that our only hope was to leave everything that we knew behind. My father had been killed in a blast that left my own family home in a pile of smoking rubble, and although he was the last living blood relative I had, I was more than happy to see him go. I am thankful every single day that my mother died long before the war; she was far too light to live in such darkness. Ferret’s parents left after the first distress messages began filtering over the electric airwaves. They were old world people looking for something to believe in and they had no problems following the masses to the next big thing. He never told me how it went down when they left, but I have my suspicions. They loved their son but they loved themselves more, at least that is what I always figured. I think they tried to take Ferret with them but he wouldn’t go, for whatever reason, and so they left him behind to die in a decaying world._

_Now we have each other and we have a purpose._

_Sunshine came into this world and into our lives beneath a blazing sun scape on the thirteenth of September. The aftermath of global warming had already begun to make our parts unbearable to live in and we spent our days hiding from the sun, and we spent the nights looking for any of our friends who had been left behind. We had found Astoria by accident, really. We had been looking for her sister, Daphne, when we walked onto their property. We didn’t find Daphne that day, or any day after that, and although I know that Ferret likes to imagine she is still out there somewhere, I am not so optimistic. We were standing there in the middle of the Greengrass cellar trying to make sense of the damage when we heard it—A shrill cry of something human; something alive. When we found her she was lying flat out on a bed upstairs looking about ready to pop. We stood there with matching widened eyes, watching this young girl who was perhaps nineteen, screaming in pain and writhing on the bed. I think we were both in shock. “Save the baby,” She said through grit teeth, frothy droplets of saliva clinging to her mouth as she desperately clung to enough of her consciousness to get her through. I had no idea how she was managed to survive the devastation that was written all over this old house, and I think she knew that we were hesitant, I mean, it was clearly written across both of our faces. “You fucking idiots, are you listening to me?” I think I laughed after that, I don’t remember now, but I do know that her words were enough to snap us both out of it. We helped her the best we could, but really, how much help are a couple of guys like us gonna be?_

_Sunshine came into this fucked up world just how you picture he would. He didn’t cry and he didn’t fuss, as if he already knew all about the hand that he was being dealt and had accepted it. The first time I held him, wrapped in a blanket and just a few minutes old, I already knew that I was gonna do everything I could to protect this kid. “Promise me,” Astoria sputtered as she dropped her head back against a pillow, weary and worn out. I tore my gaze away from the bundle in my arms to look at her and I knew that she was already fading. There was so much blood that it made my stomach turn; I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that she was coming out of this alive. Ferret took a step closer to the bed where she lay, fingers shaking as he reached for her and then stopped short. “You don’t have to worry, Astoria.” He said as he knelt down beside the bed, and she turned to him and smiled, head nodding only once before a cold chill settled over the room.  “Scorpius.” She whispered so quietly that only Ferret could hear, and then she was gone; just like so many others before her._

_A cloud of night had settled over the sky by the time we found ourselves standing near the front gates of the Greengrass house, watching it burn. I watched the fire for a long time and although I have never been a religious person, I said a little prayer for the lives lost here and also for the life that we had managed to save. Ferret pressed up against my shoulder and we gazed down at the kid we had just promised to care for. I think we were both intimidated by him, if I’m being perfectly honest. “Sunshine,” I whispered to the sleeping boy in my arms, and nothing else needed to be said._

_Nothing at all._

It is already hot as blazes when I wake up in a tangle of limbs and blankets that scratch my welted and blistered skin. “Shit!” The curse leaps out of my mouth as I sit up and squint around at my surroundings, momentarily disorientated. It doesn’t take me very long at all to realize that I had fallen asleep in The W with Songbird, and I curse a few more times as I attempt to disengage myself from his sleepy embrace.

 

“Don’t go,” He mumbles with his eyes still closed as his arms slide around my waist and try and hold me down.

 

I glance down at him as he snuggles up against me, seemingly indifferent to the sweltering temperature already filling this dank cellar up. He looks just like an angel sleeping at my side and I can’t help but smile as I reach out to brush aside thick strands of raven hair from his eyes. “I’m gonna be _so_ dead.” I say with a grin, already sliding back down next to him and pressing our foreheads together. I know that I should leave this place and go back to my own Zone before we are discovered, but I can’t bring myself to leave him. Songbird drapes half of his body over mine and drifts off back to sleep with his head against my chest and I know that I am done for.

 

I can’t tell you how long I lie there with my head resting in the palm of my hand, staring up at the rotted out beams above us, listening to him sleep softly beside me. I spend the time wondering what Ferret and Fingers would say if they could see me now or how much they would murder me for disobeying direct orders. I know that I owe them everything, and I don’t mean to make them worry, but I’m still my own person. The one thing that Ferret doesn’t understand about me is that I need to live my own life and make my own mistakes. He has been working so hard to protect me for seventeen years; maybe it’s time I start protecting myself. 

  
Fingers is somewhat more forgiving, but I’m really not sure that even _he_ could look past this one. I don’t understand all of the discord between the Killjoys or why we keep to our own Zones, but I do know that Zone G is a particularly sore subject to Ferret. Whenever I’ve brought it up, casually of course, he has cut me off and dismissed the subject entirely, as if there is more to the story that he doesn’t want me to know about. Maybe I should look into that; press him harder for answers.

 

When the cellar door bursts open, me and Songbird both jump up in surprise. I guess I had fallen back asleep without realizing it and now we were both in for it. I reach for a blanket to cover myself up as I squint at the figure standing in the doorway. I can’t quite make out a face because they are backlit bathed in blinding sunlight.  “What the fuck?” Songbird mumbles as he rubs sleep out of his eyes with one hand and shields himself from the sunshine with the other.

 

“That’s right, you _are_ fucked, and not in a good way.” There was no mistaking the voice attached to the body leaning against the doorframe and I internally groaned and rolled my eyes.

 

Noxious Monster, or ‘Nox’ as he was known throughout the Zones, was the epitome of that person you loved to hate. He was full of himself to the point of insanity and always ready and willing to go a row with anyone who dared disagree. As luck would have it Nox was also Songbird’s older brother, and I felt infinitely sorry for him since he had to put up with Nox on the daily.

 

“Sleeping with snakes now? Dad will be _so_ proud.” Nox was grinning maliciously in my direction and twirling a blaster around his finger like a shiny toy gun that made me nervous. My Eyes remained fixed on the gun as Songbird and Nox went back and forth, a thousand different possible escape scenarios running through my mind.

 

“How did you even find me?” Songbird stood up and crossed the room towards his brother, who looked like he was enjoying this moment far too much.

Nox’s posture stiffened as Songbird drew closer and I was halfway convinced that this was going to come to blows real quick. “You think you’re the only two idiots that comb The W?” The tone of his voice was grating and annoyingly superior, and I could see the effect that it had on Songbird as he scowled at his brother. I kept my eyes trained on them both while feeling around for my gear because I wasn’t ready or willing to flee this cellar without my clothes. 

 

I was pulling a t-shirt over my head when Songbird stepped really close to Nox, like right up in his face. “You breathe a fucking _word_ of this and I’ll tell everyone what **you** do after hours.” The cryptic warning is enough to make the expression on Nox’s face falter for a fraction of a second, and although I am still on edge, I can’t help but wonder what sort of unspoken understanding has just passed between the two of them.

 

The brothers seemed to be in a staring match, and I took the opportunity to slide the rest of my gear on and lace up my boots. I was just pulling my leather jacket on when Nox turned his attention on me for the first time, and I did not miss the way his nose wrinkled in disgust. “I know what you are,” He says real low and even though I don’t really want to get into it with him and cause a scene, I can’t help but lift my chin defiantly.

 

“You don’t know anything about me.” I say as I push past him on the stairs and stumble out into the sunshine, and I don’t even look back as I head back in the direction of Zone S. 

 

The temps are un-fucking-bearable outside already and I panic slightly because I realize that I have no idea what time it is. I am just sliding my goggles on when I hear Songbird calling my name from behind me. When I stop and turn around I see him, still shrugging into his gear as he comes running after me. I can’t help but grin as I watch him and I have to give it to him because my anger is already fading away. “Don’t worry about Nox.” He says in a puff of breath as he reaches me.  He still looks like my angel, even with streaks of dirty sweat across his face and I reach up and touch his cheek with a gloved fingertip.  “Your brother is a right arshole.” I say with a mirthless chuckle that makes him blush and shrug a helpless shoulder because he cannot disagree.

 

Songbird walks with me the rest of the way to the border and although every inch of our skin is swathed in protective gear, his gloved hand in mine is grounding. When we reach that invisible line that runs between the Zones I step over and turn around to face him. He smiles at me and I think that I can be strong enough to fight for the things that I want, even if I don’t always believe it myself. _He_ believes in me, and that is all the strength I need.

 

“What did he mean?” I ask as I slide my goggles up on the top of my head so I can look at him properly.

 

When he shrugs a shoulder and lowers his gaze to the dirt beneath our feet I frown because I am confused and I feel like I am missing something important. “What is it?” I ask, pressing a fingertip into the indent beneath his chin and forcing his head up enough that I can look into his green eyes. “Long story for another time.” He says with a sad smile that makes my insides hurt.

 

I want to protest and demand that he tell me what he knows, but I know that he is right. There isn’t time for that now. Zone S is more than likely losing their collective shit over my disappearance and I know that Songbird needs to get back to The G. “Tonight?” I ask with a smile, tilting my head and squinting to block out the sun.

 

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He says and then he kisses me from his side of that invisible border and I feel all right again.

 

The walk back to the S is quick enough and the moment I step over the line I know I am in for it. Before I even make it back to the house I see Ferret and Fingers stalking towards me and I swallow thickly and bite down my smile.

  
Best. Birthday. Ever.

 

 


	3. Alive

 

 

Forward—Ferret

_They never tell you when you are born how life is going to be. Oh sure, it would be easy to sit here and argue the fact that no one really knows how life is going to be because the future is unwritten, but honestly, do any of us really believe that?_

_I was born to a legacy and grew up like royalty. I have taken and taken; years spent taking everything that anyone ever gave, and then some. I am not a saint and I am not a hero, I am alive. This world took everything from me in the blink of an eye, and I survived._

_As much as you might enjoy it, I am not going to sit here and tell you about my life and how the end of the world bent me over and fucked me. I stopped dwelling on the consequence of living a long time ago. Memories and visions of what once was serve me no purpose anymore. The only thing you really need to know about me is that I’m still breathing._

_We have found a home here in the Zones. The forgotten and the damned, that is what we are, and it’s fitting really. Out here, we are family, and I fight for my family. Sure, I used to be somebody, just like everyone else, but just because the course of your life shifts doesn’t mean your purpose is any less meaningful. I mean something. I matter. I am alive._

_I would give my most precious commodity for those that I protect and although I would never want the same in return, it goes without saying amongst family. And I can’t stop that; no matter how hard I try._

_Zone S. This is the place I call home, but what is a home? A place you lay your head at night? A place you spend your time with those that matter? Something to protect? To shield? To serve?  I would like to say that the War was impactful enough to erase the animosities of our former world, but I would be lying. I would like to say that I don’t know where it is that Sunshine sneaks off to when he thinks he is being so slick. I would like to say that I am okay with him wanting to carve out his own path and that I can learn to let him grow up. Lies. All of it._

_I will fight to my very last breath to protect what I have because they are all that I’ve got and they are all that matters anymore. Fingers tells me that I have to let him go eventually, that I can’t keep him here forever, but do I? I am not sure if my need to keep him close is selfish or fearsome, and I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I have my reasons and they are my own._

There is a _look_ that Ferret gets when he is disappointed in you. I know that look better than I probably should and he is giving it to me right now. I know that I should be careful, and I know that he is only trying to look out for me, but I can’t help the way that I feel and I hope that someday, Ferret can understand that.

 

We trudge across the dirt towards the house in silence; a trio of geared up rebels moving across the desert like a fucking mirage. I know that they are angry with me, and that they probably _both_ would like to yell at me, which is what makes the silence so unsettling.  I feel like I am melting inside of my gear and the moment we step inside of the house I yank my goggles off and shrug out of my jacket—The watchful eyes of my fierce protectors not missing a thing.

 

“Acid rain for your birthday, somebody upstairs must really like you.” Fingers smirks as he examines the tiny holes up and down the arms of my leather jacket, surveying the damage and whistling a disapproving tone under his breath.

 

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” I say, trying to play off casual indifference to the two people who aren’t buying it.

 

“Come on, let’s get you greased up.” Fingers drops my jacket on a chair and motions for me to follow him down the hall to the kitchen area.

 

I bow my head and do as instructed, but not before chancing a glance at Ferret, who is standing off to the side watching the exchange in silence, face masked in an unreadable expression. “Come see me when you’re finished, we need to talk.” His voice is cold and dismissive and it sends an involuntary shiver straight down my spine. He has these slate colored eyes that darken to the color of brushed metal when he’s angry and his range of facial expressions are enough to make just about anyone feel small. I know that he is this way for a reason and I know that he only wants what is best for me, and these are the things I tell myself when I give him a quick nod before scurrying down the hall towards the kitchenette.

 

The shadowy corridor seems to lengthen and stretch as I walk, the light at the end of the tunnel shrinking to a tiny speck of dust that flickers and threatens to disappear. I know this feeling, it is guilt. Neither one of them has reprimanded me in any way, and yet here I was feeling guilty as hell. If that isn’t parental super power, I don’t know what is.

 

“He worries about you,” Fingers murmurs as he works greasy brown burn ointment into the welts that litter my arms, not looking up from his work.

 

“I can take care of myself.” I say with a defiance that seems to falter before the words even leave my throat.

 

Fingers pauses to lift his gaze to meet mine, and his brows come together in a frown that makes him look much older than I think he possibly could be. “But you don’t have too Sunshine, don’t you see that?” Fingers’ blue eyes are like tempest oceans and they see right inside of me with a force that I cannot fight.   I don’t know what he wants me to say, I’m not a kid anymore and I’ve grown up fighting for my life and running the zones. I was built to take care of myself because they made me this way.

 

A soft sigh escapes me and I look away from his imploring gaze, focusing instead on the greasy ointment now covering my arms like warm honey. “I don’t mean it like that,” I say, shrugging a shoulder before continuing. “I’m not a kid anymore, Fingers. Why can’t he see that?” When I look at him again, his eyes are pulled down at their corners and he looks like he might actually cry, which makes me feel like shit. I love my protectors, and I owe them my life, it wasn’t my intention to make them sad.

 

I just want them to see me as I see myself.

 

For a long time Fingers says nothing at all, and when he takes in a raspy breath and shakes his head, I regret what I’ve said. The silence presses in all around me as he picks up the task of slathering burn ointment on my welts again, and although he isn’t looking at me, I know that he is trying to find the right thing to say.  “He would give his life for yours Sunshine, without a second thought. _That_ is how much he cares for you. Don’t punish him for that.” Fingers’ smile is watery when he looks at me again and his words make my ears ring. I don’t know what to say to him so I just nod and smile back and just like that, everything between us is settled.

 

I find Ferret sitting in a chair out back, shielded from the unforgiving sun by the large overhang that he and Fingers had built with their own hands when we first came to live here.  He is staring out across the desolate landscape, eyes focused on the dirt clouds that always seemed to be hanging over everything in the badlands. He doesn’t look at me as I sink down into the chair to his left, and the silence is deafening. I want to tell him that I am sorry but I can’t form the words because I’m really not that sorry at all. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to worry about me but I can’t say that either because I know that it wouldn’t matter. Ferret worries; that is what he does.

 

“We didn’t used to be segregated.” His voice is eerily calm and my head snaps sideways to look at him as he speaks, gaze still fixed on the stretched out landscape. I remain silently and wait for him to continue, sitting on my hands to keep from fidgeting.  “You were just three years old when we found our way home, if you can even call this shithole a home. We had been canvasing the map, looking for someplace safe enough for you. No one ever prepares you for raising a child, we were pretty fucking clueless.” Ferret pauses to glance at me and the corner of his mouth curves into a faint smile that sets me at ease just a fraction. I smile back at him and his gaze lingers on me for an extended moment before returning to their post in the distance.  “Out-running exterminators with a child on your back isn’t any way for someone to live, we just wanted to feel safe; we wanted _you_ to feel safe. They call us rebels because we just want the right to exist just like everybody else in this world. There are people out there who would put a bullet in your head without a second thought, simply for being what you are, and _that_ is the one thing that scares me the most.”

 

His words trail off for a moment and I swallow around a dry lump in my throat because I have never heard Ferret talk like this before. When I look at him I can practically see the worry etching out the side of his face that is visible and I can’t help but wonder how a person can be strong enough to live with such a thing. I find myself wondering who Ferret was before all of this, and although I really want to ask him to tell me the story, I am not foolish enough to believe he ever would. He has always been this island to me, even as a small child I remember him being this kind of formidable presence that I was both scared of and comforted by. I owe him my life, quite literally, and I can’t help but wonder whom it is that he owes and the prices he has paid.

 

 

“Before the war I could have never seen myself where I am today. I was…” Ferret pauses for a moment like he’s trying to decide how much he wants to tell me and all I can do is hold my breathe and wait.

 

“Let’s just say that I wasn’t the type to get my hands dirty and leave it at that. Once we had decided that we weren’t taking you to Battery City, running became second nature. We raced that old car down Highway 33 and never looked back, and when we disappeared into the badlands, we finally felt like were home. Of course, even nuclear devastation cannot erase everything of who we were, and there were and still are those among us who don’t trust my intentions. I was not strong until I had a reason to become strong, and I did not fight until I had something too precious to lose. We are all searching for something to fight for; every person who calls themselves a Killjoy, and no one can take that away from you, not even death itself. This is our home now and we have worked very hard to make it some place safe enough to protect you, but every time you step out of The S I don’t know if I have the strength to tell myself that you’ll come back. Do you understand why I am so hard on you, Sunshine? I _need_ to protect you, I made a promise that I intend to keep.”

 

Ferret’s words chill me straight to the bone and although the temperature is pushing boiling point, I feel rigid with a cold that makes me shudder involuntarily. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but this was certainly not it. I had never heard this story or any story really; Ferret wasn’t exactly what you would call a talker. My head was swimming with emotions that I could not yet process and all I could do was gape stupidly at him as he turned his attention back to me.  “I never knew…” I whispered, and when he smiled at me, I saw the love mirrored in his expression that he never spoke out loud.

 

“I didn’t want you to know, and I suppose it was foolish of me to think that I could keep these things from you forever.”

 

I felt like I was seeing Ferret for the first time as we sat there looking at one another. I didn’t know how to tell him that I was sorry without sounding horribly contrived. How do you follow up a speech like _that_ with a simple apology? I was angry with my fellow Killjoys for their treatment of one of their own, and I was upset that Ferret had to carry this burden alone for so long. I thought I had him all figured out—Turns out I didn’t really know him at all.

 

“I don’t mean to worry you.” I said a bit lamely, offering him a bashful shrug and briefly averting my gaze.

 

“Is he important to you?”

 

His question catches me so completely off guard that I sputter and choke on the dryness in my throat. I know Ferret well enough to know that he is far more observant than given credit for, but honestly, how the hell did he know about Songbird? I rack my brain for something to say to him and my mind is working so fast that I feel numb and unable to focus on anything solid to say.  “I…I…Yes.” I say finally, and when he looks directly at me, I know that he understands because I can see it in his steely gaze.

 

Ferret says nothing more for a long time and eventually his gaze returns to the dusty view stretched out as far as eyes can see. We sit just like this for a long time and I think I can even appreciate the silence because it gives me a chance to compartmentalize the overabundance of emotions that seem to be closing in from all sides.

 

“Be careful out there, Sunshine. The world will drag you down and snuff you out if you let it.” Ferret’s voice is laden with an unmistakable sadness that makes me feel like I’m drowning. There is a ringing in my ears and every nerve I possess is tingling with the crackle of a brand new day. The newfound respect I have for this man is indescribable, and although I know that he has just made peace with who I am versus whom I must be, I don’t ever want to give him a reason to sound like that again.

 

When I scramble out of my chair and throw my arms around his neck I think I have finally succeeded in catching him off guard. A soft yelp of surprise escapes him and he freezes for just a moment before his form smoothes out and he hugs me back.  “Thank you,” I mumble into his heavily clothed shoulder, and his silence is just like the acquiesce that I never new I always needed.

 

  

Later, I will lie atop the pile of blankets I call my bed and stare at the ceiling that I have littered with paint splatter graffiti. I will think about Ferret and Fingers and I will find a new form of love for them that I never knew was possible. I still don’t know where I came from, but I think that I am beginning to realize that it doesn’t matter because I am more than that.

 

I am more than that.

 

By the time I drift off to sleep the blood-haze sun has been replaced by a blacked out moon. I am somewhere in the interim when I focus my thoughts on Songbird, and I smile because for the first time, I don’t have to hide what I think or feel. I don’t care about the mistakes of the past because my only concern is shaping the future; _my_ future.

 

I will make this world my own or die trying, and that is a promise.

 


	4. Sing

 

 

Forward—Songbird

 

_I guess the most important piece of advice I’ve ever been given is this—Always be yourself. My father said that to me when I was just a child, and I think I have always carried it with me._

_Unlike a lot of people in this world, I still have both of my parents in my life. I know that I am one of the lucky ones; I see the truth of that statement every single day of my life and I am thankful for it. My parents have always been the type to fight for what they believe in and I think they have done the best job that they can to instill that drive in their children. I was brought into a freshly broken world without a second thought because my parents aren’t the type to give up or take the easy route, and although they knew that they were taking a risk, they have always given me the best possible chance at survival. Life in the Zones isn’t easy, but I can tell you first hand, that having your family with you makes it a hell of a lot easier. My family is larger than the members that share my blood. We are infinite and endless, and we will carry on because that is our mission._

_Living life as a middle child is an interesting concept that I have come to love and abhor on a daily basis. My siblings are everything that I will never be, and I suppose that is the beauty of living within a diverse family—at least that is what my mum tells me. My older brother, Nox, is brash and impulsive and has this fierce drive that scares me sometimes. We fight like all brothers do, and I can tell you for certain that I would like to punch him in the face rather than listen to him talk most days, but underneath it all we are still family. My sister, Desert Flower, is the exact opposite. She lives every day like it is the first day and also the last, and she never regrets a single thing. She isn’t a fighter, but I know that she has it in her to survive because I can see it inside of her every time I look at her. Sometimes I wonder where that leaves me or how I fit in to this equation. I don’t have Nox’s fierce tongue and I don’t have Flower’s ability to see the beauty in chaos. I don’t have my mother’s positivity or my father’s unwavering determination. I guess I am just me, and I think that I’m all right with that._

_I was nine years old when my Uncle gave me my first guitar. I still remember holding it under my arm and how the strap felt, slung over my shoulder. Before I found music I was just another kid with too many conflicting emotions and no way to express them. I had heard the vicious sounds that pass as music filtering through the dusty speakers of the transistor radio in our dining room enough times to know that I wanted to be different. I think I have always wanted to be the change and the exception, and maybe I have my father to thank for that, I don’t really know anymore. After that first day with my worn out guitar I worked endlessly, listening to old records on a broken down phonograph and teaching myself to play. My guitar became my voice and my reason, and I think I needed that because we all need something to believe in._

_The first time I met Sunshine I had just composed my very first song. I hadn’t been prepared for an audience and he had caught me off guard to the point of embarrassment. I was singing about life and this fucked up world and I don’t know if it was the music that had resonated with him so deeply or the lyrics, but it had only taken one look into his pale blue eyes to know that he understood me on a level that most could not. Sunshine quickly became my world and my reason to sing and before long, my angry words had been transformed into not-so-subtle sonnets of the love that I could not bring myself to say outside of a solo melody. I know where he comes from, I have always known. I knew it the first time I saw him and I didn’t care. I’ve heard the stories about the S and the traitors who dwell there, but honestly, that’s all they are isn’t it? Stories?_

_I know that we can’t erase the past, but that is not my mission anymore. Now I only see the future, and I that think together, we can change it all._

 

The sun is still hidden in a cloud of darkness that only night can bring when I open my eyes, and although I think it should be cool and comforting, somehow I am sticky with sweat and with sleep. I think I would do just about anything to wash the dirt off my skin but when you live like I do, luxuries like running water are not easy to come by. I stifle a yawn and sit up, rubbing at my eyes with bent knuckles as I reach for my canteen. It feels much lighter than I would like it to and as I carefully pour out just enough to dampen a small cloth to wash my face, I can’t help but wonder what we will do when our supply runs dry.  I am not foolish enough to believe that our situation will ever solve itself, I know that the supplies we need are not going to come to us—We fight for every single thing we get in the badlands.

 

By the time I step out onto the back porch and sink into a brittle chair, the first rays of morning sun are just starting to creep up over the horizon. I lean back in my chair and watch the show with a detached sense of fascination, idly pondering what it might be like if that unforgiving ball of fire just refused to climb up into the sky one day. Of course, there have been days when it’s happened. I specifically remember a day in December three years ago when, instead of sweltering sunshine we were graced with a fall of rain that didn’t burn, but even that is few and far between. I’ve been living in a crippling drought for so long that I have adapted and I’m not even sure that I would know what to do if that changed now. This is my life.

 

The soft creak of the door behind me pulls my thoughts back to the present and I tilt my head back to find Fingers standing behind my chair. “Saying a little prayer for rain?” He asks with a lopsided grin as he reaches down to ruff up my hair, which earns him a protesting swat from me.

 

“Something like that,” I say as he settles into the seat beside mine, and when he glances out over the wasteland, I follow his gaze with my own.

 

“We’re going to have to chase a water supply soon.” He says, more to himself than anyone else, and when I glance over at him he doesn’t readily return the gaze.

 

I’m not sure if it’s the early hour or the lack of sunshine that makes him look so vulnerable, but it strikes a chord inside of me and I sit up and lean a bit closer to him rather suddenly. “Let me do it.” I ask eagerly, which immediately draws his gaze.

 

I can already see the words forming in his expression before his mouth even starts moving and I shake my head firmly. “I can **do** this, please let me do it.” I’m leaning even closer to him now, every inch of my body suddenly alight with an eagerness that makes my skin flush and pucker. I know he wants to tell me no, that he thinks I’m too young, but I can see the confliction written all over his face and I am quick to exploit that. “Fingers, please. I’m ready.” If I was perhaps a younger version of myself I might have grabbed for his hand and laced our fingers together in a silent plea for his approval, but instead I stare straight into his imploring blue gaze because I think it is the only way he is going to understand that I mean what I say.

 

Several agonizing moments pass between us in silence and I am positively bristling with anticipation and fear of rejection as I wait for him to speak. When his mouth opens I want to squeeze my eyes shut because I don’t want to see denial in his expression, but I hold his gaze with every ounce of the determination that had been woven into my core. “I guess you are,” He says softly, almost sadly, and when he looks at me I can plainly see the quiet pride behind his eyes.

 

It takes me a minute to realize that he hasn’t shut me down and when my brain finally catches up to the moment I leap out of my seat and crush him in an embrace that is eerily similar to my actions the day before.  “I won’t let you guys down.” I mumble into his shoulder, and when he whispers a quiet “You never do” back to me, it makes me smile from the inside out. 

 

It is two days later when everything is sorted out and I’m ready to take this first step out on my own. I know I can’t _really_ go out chasing supplies on my own because it isn’t safe, and I am still not sure how, but I am about to play driver to a small recon group of Killjoys for the very first time.

 

 

“Do you have your gun? Don’t forget to wear your goggles at _all_ times, the road rocks can take your eye right out. Don’t forget the third gear is a little tricky.” Ferret is trailing me through the house spewing off questions and suggestions in quick succession as I gear up to head out into the badlands for real instead of the defiant exploring I have managed on my own. When I reach the front door, I turn around and smile at him, which does very little to relieve the lines of worry that are etched into every inch of his expression. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come along?” He offers hopefully, which I instantly shoot down with a shake of my head.  “I’ll be fine, I can do this.” I say as gently as I possibly can, and then I hug him tightly before he can say anything else.

 

The two of them follow me outside and to the car door, where they stand, arm in arm, and watch me slide into the driver’s seat. “There is an extra gas can in the boot if you need it.” Fingers is patting Ferret’s arm comfortingly and smiling at me and I really want to laugh because they look just like a couple of worried parentals.  “I’ll be home before nightfall.” I say with a wink as I slide the key into the ignition and then I hold my breath, shut my eyes, and turn her over.

 

We had found the dusty old Mini parked on the side of Highway 33 almost two years ago during a routine supplies run. She had been baking in the sun for months before we saved her and by the time I had stripped her down and put her back together again with a paint job to match, she was unrecognizable. Of course at the time I had no idea how to operate a motor vehicle, but there was something about the compact size of the thing that made me want to learn. It had been Fingers who patiently taught me the ins and outs of maneuvering a manual transmission because we both knew that Ferret was definitely _not_ a teacher. We would sit inside the car out front of the house for hours every single day, me in the drivers seat practicing clutch and shift coordination while he held the keys safely out of reach. By the time Fingers let me actually _start_ her up, she had been patched up proper and given some gas, and there are no words to properly express how it felt to hear her sputter and shake for the very first time.

 

When the tires hit black top pavement I drop her into fifth gear and take off like a shot, hot wind rushing in at me from the busted out windows and tangling my hair into a thousand tiny knots that feel like a million bucks.  I can’t help but let out a shout of excitement as my gloved fingers curl around the steering wheel and I know, now more than ever, that there is nowhere in the world that I’d rather be.

 

By the time I pull the car over and skid to a stop my nerves are singing with excitement and anticipation. I don’t have to wait long before the passenger door opens and I see Songbird’s smiling face, cast in shadows and hidden behind his gear and goggles. “Sorry,” He says with a twist of lips, and the confusion is only momentary before I see Nox standing on his other side.

 

I contain my groans of displeasure to the _inside_ as they clamber into the Mini—Songbird shoved in the back unceremoniously by Nox, who is now riding shotgun. This isn’t exactly how I pictured my first adventure, but I suppose it is better than no adventure at all, right?

 

“Dad says that it’s a good show of faith, The G and S, working together. Of course Mum wouldn’t let me go without **_him_**.” Songbird is leaning forward and talking in my ear as I pull the car back out onto the highway and I nod because now it all makes sense.

 

I had thought Ferret had worked some sort of magic to get Zone G to agree on allowing Songbird to accompany me on a supplies run. In my head I had imagined that the leaders had sat down together and had a serene discussion about boys becoming men and the necessity of shaping the generations to come. I think that we rebels have learned harsh lessons about life and the power holding on to the things you believe in, living out in the badlands like we do. Whatever mistakes have been forged in the crumbling remains of the past shouldn’t matter, and I like to think that those before me are smart enough to know that truth as well.  I will never know the truth of what _really_ went down, but for better or worse, I had Songbird at my side and that will have to be enough to pretend that Nox is just a bad mirage.

 

As it turns out, Songbird’s presence isn’t actually enough to drown Nox out, not that I ever believed it would be. If he wasn’t criticizing my driving he was complaining about the company, and by the time we are heading through the last of the Zones I want to throttle him.

 

To chase a water supply you have to get past the Zones first. Having so many rebels in one place makes supplies harder to come by, and as a result, each time you head out you have to travel farther and farther away. The badlands were by no means, safe, but whenever you left the wide net of the Zones you were putting yourself in a vulnerable position. My fingers tightened around the steering wheel as we turned off of Highway 33 onto what was once a thriving Interstate, and when I swallowed thickly and glanced at Songbird in the rearview mirror, he was staring right back at me. No matter what I may have told Ferret and Fingers, or how much I had insisted that I was more than ready for this, I can’t deny that the excitement of the moment made me a little nervous. I don’t like to think about ‘what ifs,’ but… _what if?_

 

“Take this down about twenty miles, we should have the ocean on our side by then.” Nox was watching the scenery pass by in a blur with his arm resting on the open window frame, and although he looked relaxed, the gun he was holding in his lap said otherwise.

  
I nodded but remained quiet, my eyes fixed firmly on the road as a million different scenarios battled in my mind for dominance. I know we are at an advantage, having been raised in the badlands, and having Nox along for the run only strengthened our chances, but that didn’t change the energy of the moment. When I glance up at Songbird in the rearview again he is grinning back at me and just like that, I am set at ease. 

 

“I have a good feeling about today,” Songbird says as he leans forward between the two front seats, eyes fixed on the open road stretched out ahead of us. 

 

“Me too,” I say with a smile, and when Nox rolls his eyes and shakes his head we both laugh in unison.

 

“Just remember, _I’m_ in charge here. Do as I say and we’ll be just fine.” Nox’s gaze returns to the open window as he speaks and I exchange a knowing glance with Songbird before we dissolve into more laughter. 

 

“There’s the water!” Songbird shouts in my ear so suddenly that it makes me flinch, and then we all fall into a silence as we take to watching waves break on blackened sand. 

 

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen the ocean in my life, but when you live in the eternal drought of a fucked up world, just the sight of so much liquid is like some sort of religious experience. “Can we stop? Just for a minute?” Songbird is bouncing in his seat and Nox is rolling his eyes again and I’m still watching the blue-green water in wonder. “No time.”  Nox says with a shake of his head, which is immediately protested by Songbird.  “Oh come on Nox, we’ve been driving for ages, a couple minutes to stretch our legs isn’t going to kill us.” I can’t help but smile as I listen to him try and coax Nox into agreement, and when he utilizes a strategically placed ‘ _please’_ I snort with amusement, under my breath of course.

 

In the end Songbird wins and Nox agrees to let us stop for a few minutes and I pull the car over and shut it down. Songbird clambers out of the backseat on the driver’s side and grabs my hand, which he uses to drag me across hot sand towards the water. “Five minutes!” Nox calls after us as he steps out of the other side of the car, which we ignore completely.

 

“Can you believe it?” He says breathlessly in my ear as we stumble to the very edge of the water, and when his arms slide around my middle I can only smile and lean against him. 

 

We stand side by side with our boots in the water _definitely_ more than five minutes, both of us caught up in a make-believe world that doesn’t actually exist beyond the two of us. It is so easy to pretend that my life is vastly different than what it really is when I’ve got this view and this boy at my side, and when the spell is broken, the reality of our lives will hurt more than it ever has before. “I wish we could stay here forever,” I manage in a soft whisper into tangled strands of raven hair, my eyes watering from the brilliance of the moment behind the goggles that I promised not to take off.

 

Songbird turns to face me and my arms wind around him and hold him close, and his skin is flushed and pink and he is perfect. When he smiles I think I can see forever there and when he leans in and presses his lips to mine, I ignore the cumbersome friction that only two sets of protective goggles can provide and take everything that he has to give. In just a few short kisses the world around us dissolves and I forget all about the mission and the threat of danger and even Nox, who is not watching us so much as he is scanning the surroundings with his gun at the ready.  I know we should go, we don’t really have the time to pretend we are on a leisurely day trip, but I can’t bring myself to pull away. “Write me a song about this, so I will always remember.” My words are lost to another string of kisses that heat me up better than any amount of sunshine ever could, and although I don’t say it out loud, I make a silent vow right here in the sand to find my way back with him.

Some day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Generate

 

 

 The sun is at its highest point in the sky by the time we drive through the middle of what looked to be a once-thriving now-forgotten township.  “Stop here,” Nox says, and I nod once as I pull the car over and turn her off.

 

“We’re running for anything useful, you know the drill. Keep your guns loaded and fire a warning shot if you need back up.” Nox is speaking in a tone that commands authority and I sort of have to give it to him because I’ve never seen him as anything other than an annoying nuisance. He’s circling the immediate area with his gun raised to eye level, the crunch of rocks beneath his boots echoing off the abandoned walls of a decaying city. “Let’s do this. Get in and get out, got it?”  He pauses mid-step to glance sternly over his shoulder at us, and when we both say, “Yes” in unison, he nods his approval and sets off down the street.  We watch him silently as he creeps alongside a crumbling brick foundation wall with the precision stealth of a well-trained soldier, and when he disappears inside the building, swallowed up by shadows, the breath I’d been holding filters out of my mouth in a quick burst.

 

“So dramatic,” Songbird says with a wry grin and a shake of his head, which makes me smile. “Ready?” He asks as he cocks his gun, emerald gaze still fixed firmly on me.

 

“Born ready,” I say, still smiling as I lead the way down the opposite end of the street, gun raised and ready to fire.

 

Our search of the abandoned city yields little results, and by the time our trio has regrouped at the Mini and decided to move on, we have very little to show for it. Nox is leaning against the bonnet of my car with his head tipped back towards the sky, me and Songbird waiting for him to say something; anything really.  “We’ve got about three hours before nightfall.” Nox sounds like he is speaking more to himself than anything and before I can open my mouth and ask him to elaborate, he continues. “Mum is gonna kill me for saying this but, I say we drive on. Hit one more before we head back.” Nox pushes himself off of the hood of the car and turns around to face us, leather-clad arms crossed across his chest. I know that I should point out that there was no way in hell we would make it back to the Zones before dark if we didn’t leave soon, but I am much too stubborn to admit defeat and so I shrug a casual shoulder instead. “I’m game,” I say, and when Songbird’s gaze cuts quickly to me, I silently hope that I’ve not just made a stupid mistake.

 

“Fuck it, let’s do it.” Nox says as he circles the car and slides into the passenger seat.

 

“Don’t I get a vote?” Songbird says as he trails after his brother, stopping just outside the now-closed car door to glare at Nox through the window opening.

 

“No.” Nox replies without a second thought, which makes Songbird bristle.

 

“We’re wasting time, it’ll be fine. I promise.” I offer Songbird a smile over the top of the car and gesture for him to come back around and get inside. 

 

He stares at me for an extended moment before his shoulders slump in defeat, and his piercing gaze never leaves me as he rounds the car to join me on the driver’s side. His hand comes to rest against my forearm as he leans close enough that I can feel warm breath against my ear. “Famous last words,” he whispers, and then he is gone, clambering into the backseat of my car. 

 

Songbird’s words haunt my thoughts for a long time after that and I can’t help but feel like I have failed us all somehow. We drive down the Interstate in silence, hot wind and the roar of the engine drowning everything else out. Every minute that we spend driving farther away from the Zones is like a tiny nail slowly hammering itself into my skull, and although I wouldn’t dream of giving Nox the pleasure of knowing that I was now regretting this decision, it still didn’t stop me from sweating internally.

 

It’s nearly dusk by the time I pull the Mini into the middle of the next town, and although I say nothing at all, I do not miss the glaring signs that this place looks worse off than the last one. Nox opens the door and jumps out before I even shut the engine down and by the time I let Songbird out of the backseat and we both join him at the front of the car he’s got his goggles slid up to the top of his head and he’s staring off down an abandoned main street.

 

“I know this place,” Nox says quietly as he takes a few steps towards the empty town square, and I don’t know why but it sends a shiver straight down my spine. 

 

Songbird and me watch as Nox takes a few more steps away from us and kicks at a dusty old sign lying in the dirt at his feet. Of course I don’t really know Nox at all, but if I had to guess I would say that he looks, well, a bit sad. The seconds stretch out between us and I am torn between feeling antsy and awkward. The darkness is quickly descending upon us and I know that the drive back to the Zones is going to be a race against time. Now more than ever I am regretting my quick agreement to drive on instead of returning to the safety net that the badlands provide us and I silently hope that I haven’t already killed us all. 

 

Nox takes in a deep breath and slides his goggles back down over his eyes before turning to face us, gun lowered, but still cocked and ready. “Time is running out boys, let’s make this place our bitch and do it fast.” Before I can even open my mouth to point out that we should think about abandoning the search Nox is darting off in the opposite direction of the cluster of empty shops that line the main street, and I’m so confused by it that I stand there staring stupidly after him for a full minute before Songbird shakes me back to the present. “Come on Sunshine, let’s hurry.”

 

When I Glance back at him I don’t have to see his eyes to know that there is apprehension there and the guilt sits heavy in my heart as I nod firmly and lead the way towards a ghost town that I hope wont let us down. As we inch farther away from the car I glance down at the rusty sign that Nox had been looking at earlier, and although the name holds no meaning to me at all, I make a mental note to ask Songbird about it later. Wolfcliff…It has to mean something, right?

 

∞

 

We’re racing down highway 33 in a darkness that feels like it could swallow us whole. The air is hot and I’m sweating, with my gloved fingers curled so tightly around the steering wheel that my knuckles are aching. We still have a long way to go—The Zones are not as close as I’d like them to be and I know that Ferret and Fingers are going to kill me when I get back, but I feel good. Songbird and Nox are arguing about something stupid and I can’t help but smile because, even though we are late, we are not coming back empty handed.

 

As it turns out, Wolfcliff yielded more supplies than it’s decrepit appearance suggested and even if I get an earful, at least I won’t feel like a failure. It was Nox who had found a stash of water and medical supplies in one of the old houses in the town, and although I am still not sure how he managed to locate it, I can’t deny that this feels good. Really good.

 

By the time we enter the zones the blood moon is high overhead and there isn’t a cloud in the sky, which makes me feel like this just might be my luckiest day. I’m lost in my own head as I drive on autopilot, which is probably why I didn’t see the bright flicker and large plume of smoke in the nearing distance straight away.  “What is that?” Nox says as he slides his goggles up for a better look. 

 

“Looks like a bonfire or something.” Songbird says in my ear as he leans forward between the two seats, and just like that, my good mood evaporates.

 

When we reach the S I already know it’s too late but I think that I’m in some kind of shock or something because I can’t get out of the car. I don’t even remember putting it park or shutting it off but somehow I am out of the car and running towards the house, weaving my way through a maze of fire and smoke.  “Sunshine, wait!” I hear Songbird’s voice somewhere far away and I ignore it because I just want to get home.  I don’t know what happened while we were gone, or why Zone S is currently burning from every corner, but I have to find them.  They _have_ to be okay.

 

I’m standing in front of the burning edifice that I once called my home when Songbird catches up to me, and although I feel his tight grip on my arm, I am so frozen with fear that I can’t register it at all. “You can’t go in there Sunshine,” He wheezes between coughs, and my stomach drops right to his feet because I know he is right.

 

 

“What happened here?” He whispers as he links his arm with mine.

 

I want to open my mouth and say something, say anything, but I am afraid and so I just watch my house burn instead. I don’t know how long we stood there, side by side, watching the roaring flames before Nox turned up, and when he pauses on my other side, I can’t look away from the fire.  “We need to go, _now._ ” He says quietly, and if this were any other moment, I might have appreciated the total lack of sarcasm in his voice.  “I have to find them.” I whisper, and when I slide my goggles up and look at him, he stares back at me for a long moment before responding.

 

Nox opens his mouth to say something and the ringing in my ears is almost enough to drown him out, but not quite. I know the look of pity well, I’ve seen so many people wear it for so many different reasons and I don’t want to see it on his face when he looks at me now. “I already did,” He says, and I don’t need him to elaborate for me to know that it’s too late.

 

It’s funny how life can seem so perfect in one moment and so terrible in the next. For a few fleeting glimpses of time I had felt like I was on top of the world and just like that, everything was falling apart at my feet. You think I might like to cry, having just been orphaned for a second time in my seventeen years, but I can’t cry—I can’t do anything.

 

I am helpless.

 

The S is filled with living, breathing Killjoys that have never lived here, never walked or talked or laughed among us. Songbird’s parents are among the first to turn up and I will not deny the way my heart clenched with envy when his mother’s arms wrapped around him and held him close. I shouldn’t have felt the blackness of anger when I watched them, but I did because I couldn’t understand who would ever hold me like that now. I am surrounded by life and emotions and I am alone. This is my reality, and I _really_ would like to wake up now.

 

∞

 

It is three days later when I find myself back in this exact spot, except now my house is just a pile of ash and blackened beams. Zone S has been razed to the ground and will soon become an eerie replica of The W, except unlike The W, there is one survivor—Me. I am undecided if this is a good thing or not. I know that Ferret and Fingers would tell me that I need to carry on and that they wouldn’t have it any other way, but honestly, a part of me wishes I had been here. I should have ghosted out here along with my family and instead I was thrust into a solitary existence that I never asked for.

 

I don’t want to be alone, but I wasn’t given that choice. Revenge. That is my new motto now, and I will bring this world to its knees.

 

Or die trying.

 

 

 

 


	6. Summertime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can run away with me, anytime you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's been a minute since I've visited this WIP and I admit, my brain is a little fuzzy on the finer details of where I originally wanted this story to go. I seemed to have misplaced all of my notes for this piece, which is sad, but still doable. After re-reading the chapters here, I remember exactly why I love this story so much and there is still so much to tell! 
> 
> Anyways, love and endless thank-you's to my bestie in every way, Unkissed. Literally could not do any of this without you. <3
> 
> I hope this reads seamlessly still, even though there was a rather large pause! :D

Growing up as a Killjoy has taught me to never take a single thing for granted. The harsh rules of living outside of the lines have forced me to give up more than my share and although I thought I had been prepared for anything, I was wrong.

 

After the night I watched The S burn to the ground I shut down completely. I don’t remember how I got to the Zone I am currently holed up in or who brought me here, although I suppose it had to be Songbird. I can feel him here with me, hovering close by and watching helplessly as I sink farther into the solitude of despair. I don’t mean to be this way, and I guess I really should know better than to let death get the best of me, but I don’t care.

 

Not really.

 

It is ten days after that supply run with Nox and Songbird when I finally wake up and choose life. I tell myself that I must carry on because it is what Ferret and Fingers would have wanted for me, but that’s not the _real_ reason.

 

Songbird is at my side when I step into my boots and shrug on my gear and he is so torn between relief and the weight of my own sorrow that is palpable, that he doesn’t know how to react. “Are you hungry?” He asks lamely as I lace up my shoes, and I don’t even bother answering him as I stand up and turn to face him.

 

“I want to talk to you dad.” I say instead, and I know that the coldness in my voice is the reason that he flinches, and I brush it away like I am determined to do with every emotion I possess.

 

“Sure,” He replies quietly, his features contorted with confusion.

 

Songbird swallows thickly and turns away, leading the way out of the room I had been occupying that I assume is part of his home. The reasonable part of me knows that none of this is his fault and that I should be leaning on him for comfort instead of shutting him out, but I can’t allow it. It was my own selfish insistence that took me away from The S that night. I should have been there with them; to save them or to die with them. I am a coward and this is my entire fault.

I follow him silently through a shadowy house that feels surprisingly cool inside, despite the heat of the sun that is always beating down on the desert outside like an unrelenting enemy. I say nothing as he pauses at a closed door and knocks lightly with a balled fist. I can see the tension in his shoulders and the stiff tilt of his head and I have a fleeting urge to reach out and touch him; although I do nothing. “Door’s open,” A voice calls from the other side and Songbird glances over his shoulder at me and smiles as he turns the knob and opens the door.

 

The room, I quickly notice, is like an office of sorts. There are shelves and tables lining the walls, all littered and laden with stacks of papers and small boxes in varying degrees of disarray. The walls are covered with pinned maps and scraps of paper which hide the peeling wallpaper behind them and in the center of the room sits a shabby metal desk that looks like it’s seen better days, and seated behind **that** , is Songbird’s dad.

 

Savior. That is what he’s called, although I have never thought to ask why. Of course, I’ve heard stories about him, although third-party ramblings from drunken and bitter members of The S are hardly the type of thing I’d call reputable. From what I could gather, Songbird’s dad had been some kind of big deal back when war had first come. Honestly though, I didn’t care about his name or his story, not really. I wanted information and I knew that Savior was the best place to get it in the Badlands.

 

“It’s good to see you up and about, Sunshine.” He says as I step into the room behind Songbird, a warm smile cracking his face in half.

 

When I don’t outwardly respond Songbird chirps in, “Sunshine wanted to see you,” He says, casting an apprehensive glance in my direction.

 

I want to bristle at my name on Savior’s lips but I do nothing because I figure I need to at least _appear_ amenable. I may be a gutter snake from The S, but I am sly enough to know how to get what I want.

 

“Of course, have a seat.” Savior says, gesturing to a chair opposite his own.

 

“I just have a few questions,” I say quietly, glancing at Songbird before taking the offered seat.

 

Without any words passing between us, Songbird seems to sense that I wanted privacy now and makes himself scarce. When the door closes behind him my eyes flutter shut for just a moment and I steel my nerves and open them again; determined.

 

Savior is watching me with a softened expression that I imagine comes from years of looking after your own flesh and blood. His eyes are startlingly green behind a pair of patched up spectacles, not unlike Songbird’s. He doesn’t say anything to me just yet; instead he waits patiently like he knows that I have something important to say. His arms are folded on the desk and he smiles openly, which does not affect me at all. I stare back at him for a long moment, silently trying to decide if he is someone that I can trust or just another set of judging eyes from a self-righteous zone.

 

In the end I decide that I don’t really have much else to lose and I start talking, and he listens. Carefully. “I want to know who is responsible for the fires in The S.” I pause only long enough to look him right in the eyes before continuing, determined to get out all that I needed to before he shut me down. “I know you don’t know me and that you probably don’t trust me, and that’s fine. But I also know that you are a source of power in the Badlands and that you know more than you let on. I’m not asking for anything and I can make my own way, but I gotta know…I just _need_ to know.”

 

By the time I stop talking my cheeks are flushed with the emotion that I so desperately wanted to hide and he isn’t turning me down. Yet.

 

For a long time neither one of us says anything and I start to wonder if he has anything to say to me at all. He’s watching me again and it makes me fidget and feel vaguely uncomfortable. I can’t tell if he’s considering telling me what I want to hear or asking me to leave and I quickly realize that I’d gladly take either option over the deafening silence.

  
A soft sigh escapes him and he reaches up and carefully plucks the glasses from his face, methodically wiping down the lenses with the hem of his shirt, gaze averted. “They loved you very much,” He says quietly as he returns his spectacles to their place resting on his nose, and when he smiles a bit sadly at me, I bristle and frown.

 

Savior didn’t know anything about my family or me, none of the Killjoys did. Growing up, it had been painfully clear that The S had always been the outcasts and we lived with it. Hell, I think in some fucked up way we were proud of it, and now it was all gone. I got the distinct impression that Savior was trying to be comforting but really, his words sounded contrived to ears that didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t need his goddamned pity.

 

“Don’t talk about them like you knew them.” My words were gritty against the backs of my teeth and they made his brow crease with a frown, which was mildly satisfying. This isn’t what I had come to him for.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” He replied quickly and then he smiled again, which did absolutely nothing to diffuse the situation.

 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” My words are low and pointed and as I sit there across from him, staring directly at him, I can’t help but wonder what he’d ever done to earn the respect of so many.

 

“Look, I don’t know which initiative is responsible for taking out The S, but I heard whispers of BCE’s spotted out by the 33. I know you probably have it in your mind that you need to avenge the deaths of your family, and I can’t say that I really blame you for that; it’s a noble gesture and a natural part of the grieving process. But Sunshine _think_ , is this what they would have wanted? There aren’t many Killjoys out there that Ferret would trade his life for, but I know you are one of them. Don’t let your anger overshadow what you know in your heart. Don’t let their deaths be in vain.”

 

Savior’s words hurt to hear and although he was little more than a stranger to me, he seemed to know everything about me still. My insides twisted hearing Ferret’s name spoken so openly because I wasn’t really ready to say goodbye. Of course he was right, I’m not stupid, but it doesn’t change anything.

I don’t believe in anything.

 

I pulled apart Savior’s words and plucked out the parts that didn’t sting, choosing to focus on the snippet of information that had actually been useful. BCE’s were the exterminators dispatched by Battery City to track and ghost rebels like us. According to the corporations that run this planet now, there is no place for disorderly conduct in the new world order. Once you chose to rebel against the government you were automatically labeled a threat and if you were caught, you were ghosted without so much as a second thought. Battery City is just one of many falsified utopias set up around the globe. A prison disguised as a safe haven, used to sedate and contain the inhabitants of this world who didn’t yet know how or did not care to fight for their freedom.  

 

“Thanks,” I muttered finally, quickly standing up and heading for the door.

 

“Sunshine, wait.” He called behind me, and although I really didn’t want to, I glanced over my shoulder at him.

 

“You’re not alone.” He said quietly, and when I stepped out of his office and shut the door, he stared after me for a long time and hoped that it was enough.

 

The moment the door shut behind me I gasped for air that my body had been depriving me of inside the constricting presence of Savior. I reached up to rake fingers through my hair and quietly willed myself to calm down. My throat felt like it was being squeezed in a tight fist and tiny white stars popped out in my peripheral. The air inside the shadowy house suddenly felt cloying and I could feel its density brushing against my skin like a warm and sticky hand. I tore at the collar of my jacket and quickly shrugged it off before I scrambled down the hall towards the front door. I had no idea what time it was or if the sun was still up and I didn’t care; I had to get out. Now.

 

The sand outside the house was bathed in twilight moon shadows that pulled a soft sigh of relief from within me. I stumbled out across the steadily darkening landscape aimlessly; disorientated and unsure of where to go. Blood pounded in my head and screamed in my veins and I just wanted it all to stop. I felt as if I couldn’t catch a breath and my eyes watered with the pain of grief that I had been forcing down into my subconscious since the death of my family. I didn’t want to be here, not in The G and not in the Badlands. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be on this earth anymore and that was perhaps, the most terrifying realization of them all.   
  
“Sunshine, wait!” A voice called out behind me that I couldn’t hear over the pounding in my ears. And when my knees buckled and I sank into the sand he was right there, quickly enveloping me in a crushing embrace and holding me together.

 

There were no words exchanged between us as we crouched there in the sand; him, holding me firmly and refusing to let go and me shaking with the sudden overload of emotion that refused to be contained. I would have hated myself in those moments if I had been able to concentrate my anger. Vulnerability went against everything I had been taught. I lay limply in Songbird’s embrace and I cried. I cried for what I loved and I cried for what I lost and what I would never, ever again have.

 

It’s time to grow up now, and I’m not sure that I am ready.

 

“I’ll never leave you,” Songbird whispered in my ear as we sat there, huddled together in the sand sometime later. I heaved a weary sigh and turned my red gaze on him sidelong and smiled.

 

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep Songbird, first rule.” My smile faltered just a little bit because no matter how desperately I wanted to believe him, I knew that I couldn’t.

 

He seemed undeterred by my words and merely shrugged a shoulder, pulling me close enough to rest my head against that very same shoulder. “I mean it.” He added simply, and when he nestled his face into the top of my head I almost believed the determination in his voice.

 

If things were different and we were not who we are perhaps I could find happiness here with Songbird in The G. His family had already offered me a place in their home and any sane person would quickly take that over being alone, but I cannot be that person. I am my fathers’ son, _both_ of them, and I see nothing else beyond retribution. I will fight for what I believe in or I will die trying, because _that_ is who I am.

 

“I’m going to Battery City,” I say quietly, and I do not miss the way his body tenses around me.

 

“I know,” He says after a long while, and when he tightens his arms around me, I know he understands. “But you’re not going alone.” He adds in a hushed whisper that chills me right down to my bones.

 

My head snaps up sharply at his words and I peer into his emerald eyes that were shining bright like jewels in the darkness. I want to tell him that he is crazy and that there is no guarantee that we will make it out of The BC alive, but the words are dead before they even hit my lips. Maybe this wasn’t about me being alone at all, because a Killjoy is never _really_ alone. I can deny it all I want, but the truth in his eyes when he looks at me never lies.

 

I am not alone.

 

Songbird shifts beside me in the sand and is suddenly crawling into my lap, eyes fixed on mine as his arms wind around the back of my neck. In a matter of seconds I am mentally dismissing my tension and apprehension because his presence demands all of my attention. My arms snake around his middle of their own accord and I heave a cleansing sigh and feed off of his strength. I had been foolish to think that I could walk away from him because it wasn’t my decision alone to make. “I love you,” I murmur into his skin and when he kisses me, my lips feel alight with life and with love.

 

Songbird’s teeth catch my bottom lip and effectively send a crop of goose bumps over my skin that makes me shiver. My palms flatten against the small of his back and my fingertips dip beneath the hem of his shirt, inching it up slowly; reverently. I am suddenly struck with the desperate need to touch every inch of him with my fingertips like it’s our last night on earth and when I toss his shirt into the sand, neither one of us see the shadow of a figure slip silently away.

 

The impatience of youth and living like every second could be your last is what has my fingers grappling impatiently at the fastening of the thick, gear-like pants he still wore. I was as desperate as he to strip away every barrier that remained between us, however clumsy it became. “Wait, wait,” Songbird muttered around a soft laugh, pushing himself out of my lap just long enough to strip off his trousers. My throat was instantly dry as I gazed up at him, pale skin flushed with a moonlit glow. “Come here,” I whispered, taking his hand and tugging him back down to my lap, where I promptly enveloped him in a desperate embrace.

 

I could feel the thud of his heart against my chest and it twisted my insides because I loved him so much and I was terrified of losing him. He had sworn to stay by my side no matter what, but what if I couldn’t protect him? What if I failed to save him just like I had failed to save Ferret and Fingers and the rest of the S?

 

As if sensing my despair, Songbird’s fingers gently cradled my chin and lifted my head to gaze into my watery eyes. “Hey,” He whispered, searching my eyes for understanding. “You’re not alone,” He added with a shaky smile whose corners quivered slightly.

 

“Famous last words,” I muttered wryly, and then the serious of the moment was chased away by the brightness of his smile.

 

I don’t think there are proper words to explain how he makes me feel. This isn’t about the sex, although don’t get me wrong, that part is pretty fucking amazing. I have made my way in this world by learning to be content with what I had. Never once in my seventeen years did I ever consider that there was someone out there that would make me feel any better or any worse than I had already experienced. Songbird is my life and my death in every sense of the phrase. He feeds me with his strength and his love envelops and terrifies me. Everything I know tells me that I shouldn’t want this as much as I do; that I don’t deserve this because I can’t ever really trust anyone but myself. But maybe the world got it all wrong. Maybe I really _can_ have everything I deserve, maybe we all can, and it is him that makes me feel these things are possible.

 

Songbird looks like a bird soaring wild in free beneath the moonlight. There is sweat sparkling on his skin and his head is tossed back in reckless abandon and I feast on it all. There is nothing that I hold back from him and I bend him until he breaks because I want him to feel so good that he doesn’t have to think about anything else; at least for tonight. My name is like the whisper of angels on his lips and it takes my breath away and steals my heart and for just right now I don’t think about tomorrow because he is all that I can see.


End file.
